I won't go into detail but Matt is no longer in pharmacy school. I personally feel like it was a huge injustice but Matt has a better attitude than I do.
It's just really hard for me and I feel like we wasted 4 years of precious time and money for nothing. I feel like our whole world just got turned upside down and everything that we had been planning on for almost our whole marriage was no longer possible. I feel so bad for Matt and he hasn't really been himself lately and I can tell he's feeling down. It's been a really hard month and a half.
The day we found out happened to be the last day in our apartment. I really loved living there and had such great neighbors. We had planned to live with Matt's parents during his rotation year so that's why we moved. So we lived with them for a few weeks until we knew what we were going to do and then moved out and into an apartment in a building that Matt's parents own.
We're really blessed that we were able to move in here and we're saving money but I'm still kinda bummed about it. We had gotten rid of all our furniture (except the beds) so we had nothing for awhile. This apartment is a little smaller, in a different ward, and we no longer have walk-in closets, a dishwasher, or washer and dryer hook-ups. Plus it's just older so we get bugs a lot and some things just really need to be replaced. The laundry thing is hardest for me, that and the sketchy neighbors who stay up late and yell foul language. (I think I was spoiled at Connemara). :)
Matt has decided to get a nursing degree (which will take him 2 years from now to finish) and then hopefully get an administrative job and/or work as an RN for a couple years and then go to PA school.
We can't really find steady work and we have lots of student loans that we thought we'd be able to pay off fairly quickly once Matt got a job as a pharmacist... (and come to find out we borrowed all that money for nothing!) I don't want to be filthy rich but I guess I'm just so tired of counting pennies and being so poor. It's hard for me because I want my kids to be able to have some things that are a little nicer and to live in a nice place (and I'll admit it, I want those things for myself, too). I get caught up on what other people are doing and what they're able to afford. Like nice baby and family portraits or perfectly decorated "nurseries" and nice clothes that are from somewhere other than wal mart. I know that stuff doesn't really matter but it's hard to remember. And now I feel like there's no real end in sight anymore.
Even though it's been more than a month I guess I just still feel a little lost. I was SO happy before all of this happened. I felt like life was just perfect. I had a brand new, wonderful little baby and we were just a happy little family. It's harder for me to be happy now and I guess maybe the Lord is trying to teach us something. Maybe he's trying to teach me humility but I'm not doing a very good job.
I feel like there's a lot more I could say but I said I'd try to keep it short. But real quick I'll list a couple of blessings to kinda balance out the negative. :)
- On Monday, my sister had a baby more than 6 weeks early but he is doing great! Almost 5 pounds and was breathing on his own only hours after birth.
- My little Dean is SO content and nice! He loves to cuddle and I love that because Brennen has never really liked to cuddle. He won't hold still long enough. :)
- Brennen went to the doc for his 2 year check-up and is doing just great! He's at a 3 year old level developmentally.
- I have a wonderful husband who loves me and my boys so much and he works so hard for us!
- Our parents are so great. Matt's parents are always letting us borrow stuff and just help us out a lot and my parents drove all the way here to give us a couch and table and they always buy us lunch when they come to visit. And both sets love our boys and spoil them rotten. :)
6 comments:
Melissa, I'm so sorry for the trials you guys are facing right now. I would be in the exact same slump so don't get down on yourself. I hope you like your new ward but get back on the list at Connemara and get back over here! We'll keep you guys in our prayers and hope everything is looking up soon :)
Frannie
p.s. Wade and Sam have been living off Walmart and Once Upon a Child since they were born too and I doubt they'll care one bit. I'm just glad I have boys and don't have to deal with bows and tights and pretty dresses :) But I know how you feel about wanting to get yourself something nice every once and a while...someday will come soon :)
I love you sister!!! You are awesome :)
Oh Melissa, I am so sorry. What a shock. I really hope things pan out and work out for the best for you guys.
It is so hard to go through these things. Stay close to each other and the Lord.
Oh, Melissa, I'm so sorry for everything that has happened. I can't imagine being in that situation. How frustrating. But you and Matt are both amazing and I have complete confidence that you guys will aspire to do AMAZING things. p.s. Jord is ticked at the pharmacy program on your behalf. Haha. Hope things start looking up soon!!!
Melissa, I just thought you should know, you are a rock star! Life seriously stinks sometimes, but I think you have taken these new set of trials with amazing determination. I know you have your rough days, but the fact that I still see you smiling really says a lot about you and how much you have grown. I think you have enough going on that you really could be grumpy and depressed all day every day and no one would blame you. And yet, you go on taking the boys to the park, planning an awesome party for Brennen, being the best mom ever, and of course, continue being the best friend ever (which means a lot since you have to put up with me!). I honestly believe "this too shall pass". It may seem years away, but it will come! Keep being the wonderful person you are and I know things will work out!
As for not having the best things for your boys, I honestly believe it's good for them. I know it's hard as their mom, but when I worked in kindergarten, I felt that often times the kids that had the parents that gave them everything have a much less appreciation for life and the things they own. I don't think our family had very much money growing up. All four of us wore my cousins' hand-me-downs. In fact, I don't ever remember getting my own clothes except my Easter Sunday dress and once I got a little older. In high school if I wanted new clothes, I had to get a job and go buy them myself. And you know what? I think I'm a harder worker because of it. As a parent, isn't our ultimate goal to teach our children so they can make it back to Heavenly Father someday? I think appreciation for life and working hard (among other things that you are already teaching both of the boys by example) are going to help them in this life and help them make it back to our Heavenly Father. So, if you can look at it that way (and I know some days it's really hard to), you are actually doing Brennen and Dean a service by not always giving them the best. You are a wonderful mother and you love them- and that makes them the luckiest kids on earth! You go, girl!
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