I won't go into detail but Matt is no longer in pharmacy school. I personally feel like it was a huge injustice but Matt has a better attitude than I do.
It's just really hard for me and I feel like we wasted 4 years of precious time and money for nothing. I feel like our whole world just got turned upside down and everything that we had been planning on for almost our whole marriage was no longer possible. I feel so bad for Matt and he hasn't really been himself lately and I can tell he's feeling down. It's been a really hard month and a half.
The day we found out happened to be the last day in our apartment. I really loved living there and had such great neighbors. We had planned to live with Matt's parents during his rotation year so that's why we moved. So we lived with them for a few weeks until we knew what we were going to do and then moved out and into an apartment in a building that Matt's parents own.
We're really blessed that we were able to move in here and we're saving money but I'm still kinda bummed about it. We had gotten rid of all our furniture (except the beds) so we had nothing for awhile. This apartment is a little smaller, in a different ward, and we no longer have walk-in closets, a dishwasher, or washer and dryer hook-ups. Plus it's just older so we get bugs a lot and some things just really need to be replaced. The laundry thing is hardest for me, that and the sketchy neighbors who stay up late and yell foul language. (I think I was spoiled at Connemara). :)
Matt has decided to get a nursing degree (which will take him 2 years from now to finish) and then hopefully get an administrative job and/or work as an RN for a couple years and then go to PA school.
We can't really find steady work and we have lots of student loans that we thought we'd be able to pay off fairly quickly once Matt got a job as a pharmacist... (and come to find out we borrowed all that money for nothing!) I don't want to be filthy rich but I guess I'm just so tired of counting pennies and being so poor. It's hard for me because I want my kids to be able to have some things that are a little nicer and to live in a nice place (and I'll admit it, I want those things for myself, too). I get caught up on what other people are doing and what they're able to afford. Like nice baby and family portraits or perfectly decorated "nurseries" and nice clothes that are from somewhere other than wal mart. I know that stuff doesn't really matter but it's hard to remember. And now I feel like there's no real end in sight anymore.
Even though it's been more than a month I guess I just still feel a little lost. I was SO happy before all of this happened. I felt like life was just perfect. I had a brand new, wonderful little baby and we were just a happy little family. It's harder for me to be happy now and I guess maybe the Lord is trying to teach us something. Maybe he's trying to teach me humility but I'm not doing a very good job.
I feel like there's a lot more I could say but I said I'd try to keep it short. But real quick I'll list a couple of blessings to kinda balance out the negative. :)
- On Monday, my sister had a baby more than 6 weeks early but he is doing great! Almost 5 pounds and was breathing on his own only hours after birth.
- My little Dean is SO content and nice! He loves to cuddle and I love that because Brennen has never really liked to cuddle. He won't hold still long enough. :)
- Brennen went to the doc for his 2 year check-up and is doing just great! He's at a 3 year old level developmentally.
- I have a wonderful husband who loves me and my boys so much and he works so hard for us!
- Our parents are so great. Matt's parents are always letting us borrow stuff and just help us out a lot and my parents drove all the way here to give us a couch and table and they always buy us lunch when they come to visit. And both sets love our boys and spoil them rotten. :)