Gratitude and Motherhood

Someone asked me the other day what my happiest time growing up was. I told them it was probably my junior year in high school when I was 16-17 years old. I was first chair flute in band, I got the lead in the school musical, I made All-State and All-Northwest choir, I had a really fun group of friends and I was dating my first love. I remember thinking at the time, “I am so blessed. I couldn’t be happier than I am now.”

While I do think that was a happy time, now that I’m pushing 30 and am very happily married with two adorable sons I can say that I am more blessed and much happier now than I could have foreseen.

I have felt in my heart for some time now that we should have another baby. However, the rest of my body does not agree with my heart. I’m having all sorts of issues that are making it more difficult to get pregnant this time around. I’ve always wanted a large family and I start to panic when I realize that I’m getting “old” and that if I want a lot of kids I need them NOW. I find myself feeling jealous when people have “surprise” pregnancies or especially if people are disappointed upon finding out they are pregnant. But then I realize that I already AM a mother! I already have been given the greatest gift I could imagine. I know many people who have not, and may never have, this wonderful opportunity. How can I be sad that I don’t have what I already DO have?

The nights can be long and the mornings always come much earlier than I’d like. I sometimes long for a day off that I will never get. But then if I do manage to get out for awhile without the boys I feel like I’m missing some limbs and I can’t wait to see them again. This job has little prestige or thanks but yet I know that my little ones need me more than they need anyone else and the love for me I see in their eyes is all the thanks I need.

We spent Thanksgiving here with all of Matt’s family. It was so fun for everyone to be together and I spent the weekend thinking of all the things I was thankful for. It’s sometimes tough in a large group of people when the kids are unhappy or when you want to just play games and enjoy your time but yet you can’t because you have to attend to their needs first. And even though it’s a bummer sometimes, you find that it makes you just as happy to take care of them. And if you ARE able to do those things it is because of the great sacrifices that other people make so that you can (especially Grandma watching the kids)! My wonderful mother-in-law once said that it is the job of a mother to be inconvenienced and it’s true! But to be inconvenienced by such cute little things is a great blessing.

I have tried to be more thankful. To feel truly grateful for all of the blessings that I have. I have more than I could ever count but motherhood is definitely one of my very greatest blessings and I think I can say that this is the happiest time of my life so far!