A Confession

I went to the doctor today just for a normal check-up. For some reason I was extra worried about the baby this past week so I was glad to go to the doctor and see that everything was normal. We get to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl in 3 weeks!

Here’s my little baby pooch at 17 weeks.

Here comes the confession. I don’t want to give birth again. Ha ha too bad for me, right? I feel like I was a big talker after I had Brennen and told everyone how I was induced and didn’t get an epidural and I really did feel pretty tough. I felt like Superwoman. I realize that women have been giving birth without pain medication for many, many years and that’s one reason why I wanted to do it. I knew it could be done.

That was before I was induced. A friend (I don’t remember who it was now but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard similar analogies from a couple different people) has had natural births being induced and without and she said that it was like comparing a bike ride to a freight train. I’m sure that the bike ride was probably up hill both ways in a really hard gear but I could totally relate to the whole “being induced is like a freight train” thing.

But for some reason even through the freight train-like pain, I never thought of getting an epidural. Ever. I thought about IV drugs but by then it was too late to get them. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t give in because I have always been a wuss.

So now that the birth of another baby is looming in the not too distant future, the idea of actually HAVING this baby scares me pretty bad. Here are some reasons. I was induced so I never had to decide when to go to the hospital so I’m afraid I won’t know when to go with this one. I don’t want to give birth in my house or in my car! Also, I really had an amazing experience with Brennen and loved the hospital and nurses here and nothing went wrong so I’m afraid that it won’t be that perfect again.

Matt says I worry too much about things that are too far away and/or things that I can’t control. So, I guess I’ll just stop worrying and enjoy being pregnant with my second little miracle.

And I think I’ll probably go natural again. Unless I’m induced…. then we’ll give it some more thought. :)

All this baby/birth talk is making me miss my tiny little Brennen. He sure was cute as a newborn. And he still is!

From newborn to mischievous 16 months in the blink of an eye!

2nd Trimester!

I’m now a couple weeks into the second trimester of my second pregnancy and even though at times I feel like I JUST did this, I still don’t remember much about what it was like when I was pregnant before.

I guess you’re supposed to feel the best during this trimester and I think that I do… except for the fact that I’m still extremely irritable. You better not mess with me right now. I am a total bear. Just ask my loving husband.

You’re also supposed to be less worried about miscarriage by now but last time I had quite the scare just before 16 weeks (it was on Christmas Day! How rude was that, baby?! But luckily he was just fine. Obviously.) and because I’ve had a miscarriage before, I’m still worried. And ironically enough, I’m more worried now than I was earlier in the pregnancy because now I don’t feel any symptoms at all. I haven’t gained any weight yet (although my pants are all getting tight… how does that work??), I’m not really any more hungry than usual, I’m not nauseous anymore, I have more energy, I haven’t felt the baby move yet, and I just don’t FEEL pregnant right now so sometimes I ask Matt, “Do you think the baby is still in there?” and he either just rolls his eyes or asks me where I think the baby has gone if it’s not in there anymore. Hmm, good point.

Some days I’m SO excited to have another baby and think it will be a blast having two kids. Other days I panic and spontaneously burst into tears at the thought because I can’t see any way that I will be able to take care of more than one. And some days I feel like it will be so fun for Brennen to have a little sibling and I think he’ll be a great big brother. Other days I feel afraid that he’ll feel neglected and/or that he won’t like his sibling and will be mean to him/her and be even more needy. (hmm… mood swings… I guess I still have a few symptoms…)

I still can’t believe that we’ll have another baby in March! We thought it would be a longer wait for sprite #2 and just hoped and prayed that “it” and Brennen would be less than 3 years apart and we are so blessed that it was not a long wait and that they’ll be just under 2 years apart which will be perfect! Yay! :)

Quick notes on Brennen: he is an avid rock collector, loves to dance to any music (even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir during conference), loves being outside (taking him out there saves my sanity), says a ton of words, climbs on EVERYTHING, and basically is stinkin’ adorable even when he’s a little grumpy. I realized today that there’s no way I can keep him out of everything despite all of my baby-proofing so I guess if he finds another way to climb onto the kitchen table after I thought I’d taken away all possible routes, I just have to take him off of it again… and again…. and again, and continue to work on my patience.

He climbed in and sat in the stroller like this for and stayed there for almost a half hour “reading” a book.

Exploring the fields behind our apartments. He was tired on the way back so here he is sitting down to rest and playing with some of his newly collected rocks.