A Confession

I went to the doctor today just for a normal check-up. For some reason I was extra worried about the baby this past week so I was glad to go to the doctor and see that everything was normal. We get to find out if we’re having a boy or a girl in 3 weeks!

Here’s my little baby pooch at 17 weeks.

Here comes the confession. I don’t want to give birth again. Ha ha too bad for me, right? I feel like I was a big talker after I had Brennen and told everyone how I was induced and didn’t get an epidural and I really did feel pretty tough. I felt like Superwoman. I realize that women have been giving birth without pain medication for many, many years and that’s one reason why I wanted to do it. I knew it could be done.

That was before I was induced. A friend (I don’t remember who it was now but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard similar analogies from a couple different people) has had natural births being induced and without and she said that it was like comparing a bike ride to a freight train. I’m sure that the bike ride was probably up hill both ways in a really hard gear but I could totally relate to the whole “being induced is like a freight train” thing.

But for some reason even through the freight train-like pain, I never thought of getting an epidural. Ever. I thought about IV drugs but by then it was too late to get them. Looking back I have no idea why I didn’t give in because I have always been a wuss.

So now that the birth of another baby is looming in the not too distant future, the idea of actually HAVING this baby scares me pretty bad. Here are some reasons. I was induced so I never had to decide when to go to the hospital so I’m afraid I won’t know when to go with this one. I don’t want to give birth in my house or in my car! Also, I really had an amazing experience with Brennen and loved the hospital and nurses here and nothing went wrong so I’m afraid that it won’t be that perfect again.

Matt says I worry too much about things that are too far away and/or things that I can’t control. So, I guess I’ll just stop worrying and enjoy being pregnant with my second little miracle.

And I think I’ll probably go natural again. Unless I’m induced…. then we’ll give it some more thought. :)

All this baby/birth talk is making me miss my tiny little Brennen. He sure was cute as a newborn. And he still is!

From newborn to mischievous 16 months in the blink of an eye!

2nd Trimester!

I’m now a couple weeks into the second trimester of my second pregnancy and even though at times I feel like I JUST did this, I still don’t remember much about what it was like when I was pregnant before.

I guess you’re supposed to feel the best during this trimester and I think that I do… except for the fact that I’m still extremely irritable. You better not mess with me right now. I am a total bear. Just ask my loving husband.

You’re also supposed to be less worried about miscarriage by now but last time I had quite the scare just before 16 weeks (it was on Christmas Day! How rude was that, baby?! But luckily he was just fine. Obviously.) and because I’ve had a miscarriage before, I’m still worried. And ironically enough, I’m more worried now than I was earlier in the pregnancy because now I don’t feel any symptoms at all. I haven’t gained any weight yet (although my pants are all getting tight… how does that work??), I’m not really any more hungry than usual, I’m not nauseous anymore, I have more energy, I haven’t felt the baby move yet, and I just don’t FEEL pregnant right now so sometimes I ask Matt, “Do you think the baby is still in there?” and he either just rolls his eyes or asks me where I think the baby has gone if it’s not in there anymore. Hmm, good point.

Some days I’m SO excited to have another baby and think it will be a blast having two kids. Other days I panic and spontaneously burst into tears at the thought because I can’t see any way that I will be able to take care of more than one. And some days I feel like it will be so fun for Brennen to have a little sibling and I think he’ll be a great big brother. Other days I feel afraid that he’ll feel neglected and/or that he won’t like his sibling and will be mean to him/her and be even more needy. (hmm… mood swings… I guess I still have a few symptoms…)

I still can’t believe that we’ll have another baby in March! We thought it would be a longer wait for sprite #2 and just hoped and prayed that “it” and Brennen would be less than 3 years apart and we are so blessed that it was not a long wait and that they’ll be just under 2 years apart which will be perfect! Yay! :)

Quick notes on Brennen: he is an avid rock collector, loves to dance to any music (even the Mormon Tabernacle Choir during conference), loves being outside (taking him out there saves my sanity), says a ton of words, climbs on EVERYTHING, and basically is stinkin’ adorable even when he’s a little grumpy. I realized today that there’s no way I can keep him out of everything despite all of my baby-proofing so I guess if he finds another way to climb onto the kitchen table after I thought I’d taken away all possible routes, I just have to take him off of it again… and again…. and again, and continue to work on my patience.

He climbed in and sat in the stroller like this for and stayed there for almost a half hour “reading” a book.

Exploring the fields behind our apartments. He was tired on the way back so here he is sitting down to rest and playing with some of his newly collected rocks.

Patience

There are those who say “Don’t pray for patience because then you’ll be given trials to give you opportunity to learn patience.” But I say, “How else will I learn it then??” So, I pray for patience and guess what?

It’s working.

I’ve been impatient all my life. Impatient to do the things my sisters got to do before me growing up, impatient to start our family, impatient to be done with school, impatient for Matt to be done with school, impatient to feel financially secure, impatient to have a house, impatient to have a wonderfully beautiful baby grand piano, and etc. But there are also those day to day things that try my patience. Here are some examples:

• When Brennen gets into a tub of vaseline and smears it all over everything.
• When Brennen unrolls an entire roll of wax paper, toilet paper, paper towels, and so on.
• When Brennen grabs onto my legs, throws his head back and whines “mom mom mom!” Then continues to cling to my legs as I’m walking away if I don’t pick him up “right now!”
• When Brennen reaches up to the table, grabs my full bowl of cereal and knocks it on the ground.
• When Brennen thrashes around so badly that I can’t get him into his car seat.
• When Brennen takes the lid off his sippy cup and pours all the juice contained within onto his head.
• When Brennen climbs into the bathtub, grabs my almost full bottle of shampoo, and pours half of it down the drain.
• When Brennen refuses to take a nap even though he obviously, desperately needs one.
• When Brennen pulls my hair.
• When Brennen won’t eat any food I give him then comes begging when I’m eating carrots (of all things to beg for! and to think I just tried to give them to him for lunch....)

There are a lot of other things that try my patience that aren’t related to Brennen but my sweet little boy probably takes the cake. I thought I knew what motherhood would be like but I had NO idea what it would actually be like! (It may sound like I made some of that stuff up but if you’ve ever had kids and especially if you know mine you know that I did not make any of it up and that those things can happen in the .2 seconds when you have your back turned.)

In case you haven’t met my little guy I will tell you this: He. Is. Wild.

• He never holds still, ever. Even when he’s captivated by Baby Einstein or a story we’re reading him he’ll still shake his leg, fiddle with whatever’s in his hands, or walk back and forth in front of the TV. First thing in the morning he’ll run down the hall to my side of the bed (if Matt’s the one who got him up), pound on the mattress until I pick him up, then snuggle into my arms…. for about 5 seconds. IF I’m lucky. Then he wants down again and that’s usually so he can nab my phone from the nightstand and run away with it. Constantly on the move.
• He’ll run from room to room grabbing a toy from one and putting it in another.
• He spins in circles all the time.
• He obviously got his (lack of) patience from me because he tries for about .5 seconds to do something or get a toy from a hard-to-reach place before he freaks out, screams, falls backward, and throws his head back in a full fledged fit.
• He talks constantly. Only about 10% of what he says can be understood but he still jabbers all the time. Non-stop.
• Basically he’s just a ball of energy that is SO much fun yet very hard to control.

All of that being said, I wouldn’t change his personality for the world. He is also very happy and laughs and smiles so easily. He shows love for the people he cares about and is such a joy to our lives, even though he’s a little crazy. : )

So, as impatient as I’ve been all my life I’ve never had my patience tried like I have these past 15 months. And I DO pray for it every day and I find myself having an easier time dealing with the little things that used to drive me near the edge. I’m glad that I’ve been given so many opportunities to work on this and it makes me very happy to be able to see myself slowly improving and becoming a better, more loving wife and mother every day!

 

Golden Month Birthday

Brennen turned 15 months yesterday on the 15th. This little boy is growing so fast and learning so much that it amazes me. He says lots of words, can identify lots of body parts, walks and runs, can step up stairs if you’re holding his hand, eats anything we give him, makes the “sounds” when he plays with cars, loves reading books, and tons more. He also learned to scowl at people which is pretty cute & funny but not polite so we’re starting to work on that one. :) And he’s so smart, too! I took him to the doctor today and developmentally he’s at a 19-20 month level. He went down in length from the 75% clear down to the 50%. They measured him three times to make sure it was correct so that’s a little bit of a bummer but the doc isn’t worried. His weight is still around 20% and his good ol’ head is still up in the 75%. :)

We’ve been spending time outside a lot lately because now it’s nice and cool all day but not too cold yet. Matt and I try to push Brennen in the stroller but when we’re in the mountains he does not want to stay strapped in and would much rather walk with us. The other evening we were out and Brennen pointed at something and said “oooh!” It took us a minute to see it but he was pointing at a deer that was partially hidden in the trees. Brennen still loves playing at the playgrounds at all the various parks in town and it’s a lot of fun for me to watch him play and learn about the world. Fall has been nice so far!

And as far as baby #2 goes, we’re doing well. I feel like this last week I’ve suddenly “popped.” Not that I’m huge or anything but I can no longer suck it all in and there’s definitely a tiny little bump there. It makes me happy. :) And I’m finally over feeling sick every day but I still have some major food aversions like sweet stuff! I’ve always had a sweet tooth so it’s weird to NOT want candy and stuff but it’s probably helping keep my weight in check! So here I am a week ago at about 12 weeks.

 

How Will They Know?

I’m the choir director in my ward in my church. A few months ago my friend Sarah suggested that we sing a song that is found in the children’s book that’s meant for adults. No one ever sings this song and it’s really pretty so I thought we could try it.

I usually don’t pay much attention to the words or how moving the music is until after we’ve learned it ‘cause by then I’m no longer stressed about learning it. :) So on Sunday we performed this song and on the last run-through I really paid attention to the words and for some reason it really choked me up. I think this song is filled with so many good thoughts and it appeals to parents and other adults in the lives of children to teach them what is right. It also makes me feel a huge responsibility to make sure I teach my children all the things they need to know. I don’t know if this will touch anyone who reads this as much as it touched me but I wanted to post the lyrics anyway. They are by Natalie W. Sleeth.

How will they know, the ones for whom we care,
That God is love and with us everywhere,
That life is good, with blessings all can share?
How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they learn that, though they go astray,
God will forgive and help them find the way?
How will they feel the Spirit day by day?
How will they know unless we teach them so?

How will they grow in wisdom and delight?
How will they choose to follow what is right?
How can they trust the future will be bright?
How will they know unless we show them?

How will they live when they at last are grown?
What will they give to children of their own?
Will they reflect the values we have shown?
How will they know, as on through life they go?
How will they know unless we strive to teach them so?

Man I couldn’t even type that without crying! I guess I’ll blame it on hormones and the fact that I know that I will now have TWO children to teach and take care of! Yep, we’re having another baby in March! I’m still a little in shock and I’m kinda scared but Matt and I are SO excited and we feel incredibly blessed that the Lord is trusting us with another one of His children and that everything is going well!

Here is the new sprite at 9 weeks! I usually have a hard time deciphering these pictures but they’re fun to look at anyway. :)